What happens when what you used to do, the thing that was your creative outflow, no longer powers your life? What do you do when you are faced with the idea that you may have to be something you were not, and not by your own choosing? Are we bound to what we do?
I have for most of post-adolescent life been creative in different aspects of my life. From creative writing to photography and videography to music, I have always found it easy to express myself in some sort of outlet that I have been used to. Little effort was needed for the creativity to flow.
But many things are changing. I still many times have a desire to express my creativity, but I am finding it harder to convey what I want to say as clearly or, conversely, poetically as before. This constant numbness of my mind seems to be keeping a hold on my ingenuity. Vision disturbances leave me expressionless and make it difficult to observe things more fully.
I always wanted to be a writer, but now it seems as if it is just a pain to even write anymore.
This led me to many mind battles at first. What will I do if I completely lose my creativity completely? Is my worth based on what I create? Am I bound to one certain way of thought?
At this point it led me to a decision. Do I freak out and attempt to try to find the cause of my problems (when it was, in fact, out of my control) or do I trust God and his plans? Do I agree with my flesh that I have no value without my gifts or do I know my worth is in Christ and what he has done for me?
It was tough. At first, I did the former, contemplating too hard on what was the root of the problem. This led me to either put extreme blame on myself and give into condemnation or turn the blame on God himself. I could not understand why this was happening to me. What did I do to bring this on myself?
I still do not know the complete answers. I still am fighting with these mind battles and having vision disturbances. I have learned, however, to put my trust in God. No matter what happens, God does care for me. It does sound rather cliche, but God does have my best interests at heart.
Jeremiah 29:11 states, "I know the thoughts I have towards you, says the Lord. Thoughts of good and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
